Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dave Barry

I look forward to receiving emails from this crazy guy all the time.............he just makes me laugh.

Originally posted in the Miami Herald November 24, 2008

DAVE BARRY
Why do we give gifts during the holiday season?

We do it for a reason that is as timeless as humanity itself: women. Women have an overpowering biological need to mark pretty much every occasion, including sunset, by wrapping a gift and giving it to somebody, along with a card.

Why do women do this? We put that question to some leading psychologists, who responded: "We think maybe they're insane.''

We would not go as far as leading psychologists. But it is a fact that as the holiday season approaches, women are overpowered by the biological urge to buy bulk quantities of gifts, often without any clear idea whom a specific gift is for.

Men do not do this. A man buys a gift only when he sees a clear and present need, such as he remembers that his wedding anniversary was last week. Otherwise, when a man is in a store, he is looking for practical items. If he happens to pass by, say, a little ceramic statuette of two little smiley-face turtles with ''BEST'' painted on one shell and ''FRIENDS'' painted on the other, he is not going to give it a second glance, because he can't imagine anybody having any use for such a thing except as an emergency substitute for a clay pigeon.

No, a man is going to keep right on walking past the friendship turtles. If he buys something for somebody -- his wife, for example -- it is going to be something he believes she actually needs, such as an extension cord. Maybe, if he is feeling especially romantic, he will get her the 20-footer.

Whereas many women (you know who you are) will buy the turtles, not because they know of anybody who needs friendship turtles, but because the turtles are, quote, ''cute.'' Then the woman will start shopping for a cute card to go with the turtles, or maybe several cards, since she's not sure which specific one of her numerous best friends will be getting them. While she's at it she might buy some cute little scented candles that would go with the turtles, and maybe a few other cute things. By the time she leaves the store, she will have as many as eight gifts for people who have yet to be identified. She may have totally forgotten why she went into the store in the first place (to get an extension cord).

Women start behaving this way early in the holiday season, by which I mean July. So when the actual holidays roll around, they have a massive stockpile of gifts to give out. Pretty much every random individual they come into contact with, including toll-booth attendants, gets one. Their immediate family will be inundated with gifts.

This means their husbands have absolutely no chance of keeping up. Their husbands, who are busy during the holiday season with other responsibilities such as watching the playoffs, have managed to get their wives an average total of one gift, which they wrapped hastily at the last minute, which is why they did not notice that the wrapping paper says ''Happy Birthday!'' Sometimes a husband, trying to make his gift output look larger, will wrap the batteries separately (I have done this).

But his effort will still look pathetic next to the gift avalanche produced by his wife. He will feel like a big holiday dope.

If you're a male, at this point you're nodding like a bobblehead on a jackhammer and saying to yourself, "Is there a solution to this problem?''

There is, and it's right here in your hands: the annual Holiday Gift Guide. This is a list of items that are so unusual that if you give one to your wife, her reaction will be: ''Thank God he did not get me any more.'' And this effect is not limited to your wife: whomever you give a Holiday Gift Guide item to, that person will never want to exchange gifts with you again.

All of the items in the Gift Guide are real products that are being sold in exchange for actual money. We know this because we have purchased all of these items with what little money the newspaper industry has left. Then we subjected the items to our rigorous Quality Assurance Testing Laboratory Procedure, which consists of taking photographs of them without getting too close. This is why we are able to offer you this:

UNCONDITIONAL LIFETIME WARRANTY: If you purchase any of these gift items, and at any time during your lifetime you experience any kind of problem whatsoever with the item, simply place it in its original container and place it in a dumpster. We will take it from there.

But enough with the technicalities. Let’s move on to the 2008 Holiday Gift Guide:

2 comments:

maltese parakeet said...

lol. i say it's hard to go wrong with diamonds.

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